Every morning, the voices in my head recite the same mantra: ‘It’s over, you’re not good enough, nobody needs to hear your sandpaper voice any more.’
It takes a while, but when I finally pull myself out of bed, I feel like Holden Caulfield. I don’t know who to call, or where to go, so I let those horrid voices hit me like a ton of bricks. And they’re a fucking nightmare. I make it through my day, and after work or class, I sit down and stare at a blank piece of paper for hours. I wish words would pour out of me. Most nights they don’t.
I feel like there’s no consistency in my spirit. Some days, I feel like I was touched by magic, but the rest of the time I’m stuck in limbo. And I don’t know why, but I think most people have some kind of secret about life. They must. Because I can’t accept the fact that things only get worse.
I’m not ready. I can’t go bald yet, or deal with the IRS. I don’t want to be polite and keep pretending all the time. Do you ever feel like the real You is hidden from most of your friends and family?
I spent 8 years of my life listening to my iPod and having conversations with myself while the world moved on without me. I’m not quite ready to check back in.
And for the first time ever, I’ve seen a psychologist.
She was lovely but I think I need something more than just a listening ear.
Got referred to a Psychiatrist.
Well, now the drug I assume I’ll most likely be taking would be serotonin re-uptake inhibitors.
I need to get my shit together.
I think I’m starting to…um…how should I put it…
No. No. No.
"You do seem to not think too highly of yourself. Shame really, ‘cause a smart, young, pretty girl such as yourself should be brimming with confidence!"
So I’m starting to feel the need of keeping you in my life. You’ve been a great listening ear and whoever cares to listen to me, has my utmost respect. ‘Cause I’m so sick of myself as it is.
Shame that you’re in Sydney and I’m here in Brisbane. And….the catch is, we’ve never actually met. We’ve only known each other through mutual friends for a year or so? I’d reallllly like to meet you one day.
Finally, another decent guy friend. Just a friend though. I’m not taking this to another level. Do not want to go there again.
Oh and you’re hilarious.
I think I indirectly offended you. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I swear. It’s far from what you think.
I’m not saying this for lols but I’m actually a mess.
I can’t even recognize myself anymore.